Another New Year resolution is to read over what I write before I post it and think about how it might be interpreted by people reading it. Let’s just say that my previous blog caused mini- consternation with people wondering was I ok. Of course I am. Perhaps I really am far too enmeshed in this football world and am not really thinking clearly about things any more.

Of course the incident to which I referred was to do with the shenanigans within the football club. As usual I have managed somehow to maneuver myself into the position of piggy in the middle and the middle at the moment is a large pig pen of muck. With the very best of intentions, it seems that I (and not only I) can not keep everyone happy nor do right by everyone. But ain’t that life? No one has died, no one is even sick. You can only do your best. And try not to be too sensitive when even your best isn’t good enough. On the subject of pigs, can I resolve to eat healthily forever more or will I have to resort to liposuction?

So the list thus far reads as follows:

1. Care more about people, friends and foes alike

2. Look before you leap or think before you post

3. Eat less

Or perhaps I could resolve to do just one thing  and that might solve all others – think less about myself and more about others.

I’ve had one of those weeks. I know everyone has bad weeks but this one was a killer. My beloved football club obsession is becoming millstone-like. I’m not sleeping. I’m not eating properly, as in I haven’t time for proper meals so I’m snacking on whatever is easy and generally unhealthy. I’m seriously neglecting my family and friends. I’m arguing with my football friends, probably because we’re all too enmeshed in the madness that is our club and when people are tired and stressed, they fight with those closest to them. Money is non-existent, we’ve got debts, we’ve got to make tough decisions, cut budgets, risk pissing off lots of people and that feelgood factor that surrounded the club when we survived relegation this season has long since been replaced by despondency and frustration.

It feels a lot like we’re clinging to a shipwreck and hoping to God the tide will turn and carry us back to dry land. The problem is that the only dry land is a very bleak desert island. There might be a coconut tree or two on it but there’s not much else; not much shelter from tropical storms, not much in the way of food and I’m wondering how you could fashion a raft out of the few bits of debris lying about.

But faced with the alternative which is being swept back out into unchartered waters with no certainty as to what might lie ahead, whether an ocean liner might appear on the horizon and save us or whether we might drown, that desert island is utopic by comparison and I’ll take it.

I attended a gospel choir Christmas concert tonight, a welcome respite from my week. I very much enjoy the occasion of Christmas – the music, the carols, the collective friendliness of people. The concert was particularly joyous, the singing and the musicians spectacular. I was moved more than once, especially when a lone pianist played and sang “Have yourself a merry little Christmas”.

Afterwards, I drove through the main street of our capital city, hoping to glean some sense of festive cheer. I was sorely disappointed. Despite a very creative Christmas tree on the central promenade made completely from various sized lighted balls that changed colour, the atmosphere was muted and bleak.

The message from the concert tonight was “Discover the beauty within”. Someone said to me recently that maybe we need to stop looking further afield and look back to what is in our own community. Instead of spending vast sums of money that we don’t have on trying to create a master race of a football team, try to cultivate local talent and make a community proud of its own rather than supporting people who turn up for the weekly match and then disappear back to where they came from. Maybe it’s time to start discovering the beauty within!

I think there’s a balance to be struck somewhere. We’ve got to learn from mistakes and live within our means and focus on what’s good and vital and cultivate those things. It’s a message that transcends football clubs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x55fCkqutjU

I wrote about camouflage and disguise a few days ago and it got me thinking – how often do writers hide behind masks and disguise what they really want to say but can’t for any number of reasons. So I’m going to talk about football today because that’s what I want to talk about.

Yesterday was match day, an important one, although every one of these last few games is now important. A win for us would have really kept our collective head above water, a draw would have us coming up for air, a loss going down for the third time. I predicted a one all draw. At one goal down, I still had hope. I had a small exchange with the fellow supporter to my right, one of those nice moments where fans start relaxing a bit during a match and share a joke. Several moments later, I had my forehead pressed against my knees and was hugging my knees to my chest. 2 down. The two lads to either side of me remained impassive and just stared blankly ahead of them, striking poses that said “what did we expect? Here we go again”. It’s been all too familiar this season, silly goals conceded just when things were looking positive and there was some nice play going on. Of course, it ended badly. It always does when we relax and start thinking that it might work out. It only takes one stupid mistake to upset the apple-cart and then there seems to be no way back no matter how hard we try. And of course at two goals down, who could really blame a team for giving up.

It’s now at a very delicate stage. With just six games left and crippled by that kick in the nuts of a 4-0 defeat last night, we’re going into the next crucial game on Saturday with our confidence at the lowest possible ebb. It’ll take some will to get us through this and I wonder is it there, or is willpower even enough at this stage. Perhaps there are some things that simply aren’t meant to be and no amount of desire to succeed can change that. Perhaps we’re tired trying. Perhaps those silly mistakes are down to the pure inexperience of youth. There’s certainly some truth in that. But do I believe that we can’t very quickly learn from those mistakes and turn things around even at this late stage? Not for a minute. As sure as night follows day, we’re meant to be and it would be a cruel twist of fate if we didn’t make it. We’re an honest team and we’ve all worked so hard this season both on and off the field to save this club. So, I’ll be sitting on the terraces next Saturday night willing us on as usual and hopefully hugging my fellow supporters in triumph at the end of 90 minutes and not my own knees.