Ah Ha! The list making has started again. Before Christmas, there was frantic list making, not just weekly lists, daily lists even then followed by no lists for nearly three weeks. Yippee! I wonder how I coped? But then there wasn’t much to do, it was the holidays after all, my holiday from lists!

 What is it with lists? I like a long list. Break down the things to do into small actions and work through it. Strike off a few easy ones as quick as possible now that is seriously motivating. Maybe even put the same thing down twice for when I am getting particularly sluggish and then at that point one activity might give two results. Yippee. The list is moving. I also enjoy not seeing it for a few days and then having immense satisfaction of striking off numerous items all at once. Now how is that for putting a smile on my face!

 It was nice, my holiday from lists,  but was I so laid back that I could not face making New Year resolutions because I did not want to unpack my notebook and pencil or could it have been something more serious? My lack of a New Year list could be avoidance, lest I don’t succeed with any of the resolutions that could have potentially gone on aforementioned list!

 Granted, New Year and all it entails is not my thing. What is it about New Years Eve that suggests we should kiss strangers and turn over a new leaf? Why is that necessary to make me a more fully functioning human being? I could have tried a list with 1. no kissing strangers and 2. no new leafs! Now that would have got straight to the point!

 Mr Mack is extremely resolute this year, as always. He loves planning and making plans especially of the self improvement kind that potentially makes him a more rounded male! He list goes like this: learn French so that he can converse better than he currently does, learn to cook a few dinners from a cool recipe book, have more sailing lessons and go for extra long walks at the weekend, at least once.

 On contemplation, for me it’s a one item list, be a less rounded female!

Another New Year resolution is to read over what I write before I post it and think about how it might be interpreted by people reading it. Let’s just say that my previous blog caused mini- consternation with people wondering was I ok. Of course I am. Perhaps I really am far too enmeshed in this football world and am not really thinking clearly about things any more.

Of course the incident to which I referred was to do with the shenanigans within the football club. As usual I have managed somehow to maneuver myself into the position of piggy in the middle and the middle at the moment is a large pig pen of muck. With the very best of intentions, it seems that I (and not only I) can not keep everyone happy nor do right by everyone. But ain’t that life? No one has died, no one is even sick. You can only do your best. And try not to be too sensitive when even your best isn’t good enough. On the subject of pigs, can I resolve to eat healthily forever more or will I have to resort to liposuction?

So the list thus far reads as follows:

1. Care more about people, friends and foes alike

2. Look before you leap or think before you post

3. Eat less

Or perhaps I could resolve to do just one thing  and that might solve all others – think less about myself and more about others.

Quick update on my situation…..

Avoidance doesn’t work. I tried it yesterday and was craving chocolate by last night.

So, today I’ve begun with a calm, healthy bowl of porridge and will face my challenge in a more constructive frame of mind. I will engage with the various temptations throughout the day. I won’t actively avoid them or throw them out. I have to learn to live with them around me. The chocolate will stay in the cupboard. Each time I open it to get a plate or a mug, it’ll be there, gazing lovingly at me, and I will smile back at it and acknowledge that we were once more than just good friends.

I lay in bed for a good while yesterday morning, on account of it being Sunday, my day of rest, and pondered my situation.

You won’t know about my situation, no one really does. On the surface, it’s just another love story but in reality it’s much, much more than that.

I need to find out why I crave it so much, why I keep indulging, decide that it’s unhealthy and even damaging, withdraw, only to then greedily go back for more.

So, I lay in bed tossing it over in my head. I’ve really agonised about it in recent days. It’s something I have felt I need more than anything. Sometimes I am strong and confident and can go for a few days without it but more often than not, I want it so badly that it’s impossible to resist. And it’s so delicious, I mean unbelievably so, for those few minutes, and even for a while afterwards as I savour how it felt.

But I have to calm it down. I have to learn to control it, enjoy it in a less obsessive way.

The situation is approaching its first anniversary, the day that we decided to go on this journey together, and for the first while I played by the rules and really felt that it was going to work out. But a few months into the journey, having reached a happy equilibrium, I couldn’t leave well enough alone and I’ve been pushing the boundaries ever since. Right now, I’m not too proud of myself.

For months I’ve been trying to bring it back to the way it was but haven’t been strong enough. Why?

Because what I feel can’t be controlled by rational thought alone. The obsession gets under my skin, it satisfies some very fundamental needs in me – security, contentment and fulfillment – and it never lets me down.

As I explained it to the father of my children yesterday “I need the security of knowing that certain things are always there and won’t abandon me”. And as I probed a bit deeper into my psyche, I realised that it’s all about my relationship with my Dad – he who was always there, first thing in the morning, every lunchtime, and always put me to bed at night, read me stories, stayed with me until I fell asleep. I’ve been looking for that guaranteed, unconditional security ever since, something that will never leave me because in the end fathers have to. And it suddenly dawned on me why I play a particular song in the car all the time, Britney Spears’ Unusual You – “you’re always where you say you will be, shocking coz I never knew love like this could exist”. And there we are, food is a security blanket, one that I now badly need to fold up, place on a shelf and just occasionally cuddle because it feels nice, because it’s an old friend, my best friend. I’ve got to get back to where I was a year ago when I started my new relationship with it and realised that I could enjoy it and derive great pleasure from it in a calm, unobsessive way. That felt a lot better than the frenzied relationship that I’ve had with it in more recent months.